In early June 2018, one of my shawl designs, Maid Marion Shawl, was published in Knit Now Magazine. It was my first Pi shawl design (a full circle design worked from the centre outwards), and I remember drawing out the first charts for it on squared paper in April 2017. One of the magazine’s images of the shawl popped up in my lovely wife’s phone memories this week.
The shawl itself is not the main focus of today’s blog post, although I am very proud of it. Instead I am going to write about the circumstances of its coming into existence.
I had sent my submission to the magazine in the same week of October 2017 that I finally admitted to myself and the GP that I needed some help. Things were very dark for me. I was struggling to sleep and to function, let alone enjoy life. They suggested signing me off work for a little while, which I declined. A week later however, I was in the GP carpark having seen them again to accept being signed off, but having a melt-down as the slip was signing me off for a whole month, not the week (or possibly two ) I had anticipated. I didn’t understand how I could be away from work for a month – there was far too much to do and so much I was responsible for. But, my amazing wife talked me down, said the doc wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t necessary and, of course, the place would continue to function without me. As it turned out I was signed off for the rest of that term and had a staged return to work after Christmas.
I don’t remember receiving the acceptance email for the shawl submission, but I must have had it, and there are pics taken in the December of the yarn having arrived (Jamieson’s Ultra) and showing the start of the central part of the shawl.
Somehow I knitted the shawl – and it was finished and blocked by mid-January. Again, I don’t remember it, but the photos are there:
I’m not going to say that the power of knitting got me through, because that would be trite, but it was one of the things on my very simple daily to-do list while I was off work: get up, shower, Headspace, read, walk, knit. I do remember that list as I wrote it out every day and crossed off the things I managed to do.
I left the classroom at the end of that academic year, realising a permanent change of pace was needed and I focussed on getting better, then moved into designing full time as well as giving knitting workshops.
It wasn’t just the time off and the change of direction that helped; there were the meds too, and I used the Headspace app every day for over a year, although I’m not sure I ever really got the hang of that. But it wasn’t a quick fix. Things took time and the good friends who stayed in touch made all the difference. In fact, it’s only just over a month ago that I finally got off the meds – reducing the dose of anti-depressants down to nothing is a slow process if you want to avoid the side-effects.
Looking back I could have reached out for help much sooner, but I had felt that admitting there was a problem would be a problem in itself – and if I could just get to the end of each day that would be enough. It wasn’t. Life is so different now, but it’s still not easy to talk about.
This period of my life is not something I’ve written much about before, but well-being and mental health awareness are so important and rightly being talked about more these days. If just one person reads this and it encourages them to ask for help or support from someone else, that will be worth it. It’s also a reminder that folk never know what others are dealing with.
As for Maid Marion Shawl, it’s still a great design. It can be knitted in lace weight or 4ply (you could even try it in DK if you go up a needle size or two), and you can use 1, 3 or 4 colours. It’s up to you. The pics in today’s post are all from Knit Now Magazine, showing the 3 colour version in Jamieson’s Ultra (lace weight) yarn.
By the way, if you’ve never heard Full Circle by Dolly Parton – do have a listen. It’s yet another one of her brilliant songs.
Until next week, take care and do something that makes you happy. K x